Yo, Earthdawgs,

This is Elvis, coming to you from outer space, where Larry and I are rocking out to all the CDs I bought at Crooked Beat before we left D.C. We are also watching the movies I bought at Blockbuster.

This brings me to my current favorite flip, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS with Kevin McCarthy and Dana Winter. If you haven’t seen it, Kevin and Dana star as two earth people trying to fight off an invasion of aliens who are trying to take over the planet by pods. The aliens put the pods next to an Earthling, and the pod grows an artificial Earthling just like him. (There are pod women, too.) The pod people take over the Earthling’s life, and they look just like the Earthling, except that they don’t have any emotions. They are never happy or sad, but they are very funny to watch. Larry says that they are not supposed to be funny, but I think he’s wrong. Larry says that’s why some Earth people are scared of us, because they’ve been watching too many alien invasion movies with pod people in them. (I know not all of y’all are like this, or we wouldn’t be Facebook friends, but we met a few people who looked at us the way Kevin looks at the pod people in the movie.)

So here are my questions. Why do Earth people assume that visitors from outer space want to take over their planet? It’s a nice planet, with a very pretty moon and an impressive ocean and lots of beautiful green plants, but there are many nice planets in the universe. It’s true that the other ones don’t have Taco Bells and dogs and Elvis Presley music, but they have other things that Earth doesn’t have. And besides, y’all haven’t been taking very good care of your planet. I’m just saying that if anybody wanted to take over a planet, they’d probably look for one that was in better shape. Like, if you went to buy a used Buick, you would want one that looked like it could last for a while.

My other question is why Earth people think that people from other planets might not have any emotions. Most of the ones I’ve seen in Earth movies are serious all the time, or mad all the time. E.T. is the only one I’ve ever seen phoning home to talk to his peeps. But people who live on other planets are a lot like Earth people. They have families and animals that they love, and some of their jokes are funnier, too.

Now, don’t jump down my face, dudes. I’m a big fan of Earth. And y’all were real hopspitable to Larry and me this last time, mostly. But you just might want to rethink your ideas about aliens, that’s all.

This postal is too long already, so I’ll sign off. Later, gators!

Elvis

Hey, dudes, wassup? Elvis here, coming to you from our ship, which is just about to pass Pluto. Pluto is my favorite planet in your galaxy because it is named after a dog, and I LOVE DOGS!! Some of my favorite Earth beings are dogs. Larry is giving me static because he says Pluto isn’t really a planet, and it’s not named for the dog Pluto. He be all like, “Dog, you all damp!” And I be like, “I don’t care. I like my story better.”

In case you are worried about little Getlo, my dog, you can just chill because he is being taken care of by my good friend Hank back on Earth. Dogs would not enjoy space travel, I think. All the presents y’all sent him, like the Elvis costume, stayed behind on Earth. Hank was supposed to take everything to the Salvation Army, but he wrote me that he couldn’t bear to give up the Elvis costume, so Getlo will be ready for Halloween if Hank takes him tick or treating.

Speaking of bears, I like them, too—especially UCLA Bruins. I was an honorary Lobo the last time I visited Earth, which means wolf. I was almost a Georgetown Hoya, too, but I don’t know what a hoya is, and my translator doesn’t know, either. But it must be a dog because that is their mascot—a very spikey-looking dog with two teeth and a hat.

Well, that’s all for now—Hank always told me to keep my blog posts short and sweet. Maybe I will write more after we pass Pluto. In the meantime, don’t take any wooden nickels!

Your homeboy,

Elvis

Earth Dudes,

Elvis here. I thought I’d better write again right away because so many of you were worried about Saturn’s moons after my last postal. So I’m writing now to tell all of y’all to chill. We would never hit a moon. I was just pushing your legs. Larry says that I couldn’t hit the broad side of a marmaltyxsorumpus, which is a very big animal that lives in the Honn galaxy. It is about the size of a Taco Bell.

Maybe y’all are wondering how I’m communicating with you. I fixed our transceiver! I used a Slinky, and parts of a toaster oven and a Roomba. I wasn’t sure about the Roomba because I worried that it might be a sentient being, and I didn’t want to kill a relation of mine. Larry said it wasn’t like that, but just to make sure I spent a long time trying to communicate with it. Finally I decided that Larry was right. So I can write to you for a while anyway, and even update my Facebook status.

I want to thank you for welcoming us to your planet and being so friendly. I also want to apologize for stopping everything that one day. I am sorry if we inconvenienced you. But Larry says it was necessary to make you take us seriously. I told him that I was sure you would take us seriously now, and we would not have to come back a third time to talk to you about nuclear disarmingment. I would be so sad if Earth was destroyed, along with all the DOGS in the universe!

More about dogs later.

Elvis

p.s. Here’s a pic of the moon y’all call Titan, but don’t worry—it’s not as close as it looks. You can also see another moon at the bottom. I don’t know what Earth people call that one. We call it something like “Saturn Orbiting Rock Number 37,” except, of course, we don’t call Saturn Saturn.

Wassup, Homeboys and Homegirls?

This is Elvis, coming to you from space, where we are burning up the rubber to get back to our own pad in our own galaxy. We left in a hurry, so we were not able to say goodbye to everybody, and thank you. We could not fit all the presents you sent on board our ship, but I am sure the people at the Salvation Army will be very excited to see what we left in their box, especially the Elvis Presley dog costume. Little Getlo killed it in her Elvis Presley dog costume. She was flying, yo. But the cape kept falling over her eyes, so we decided it was not safe for her to wear. We are grateful for all of the wonderful presents you sent, even the ones with your company names on them. Soon people will be wearing these things all over Washington, D.C., so you will be sure to get plenty of advertising. I ate all the cookies.

Now I am giving a shout-out to my main man Hank and his cat Eco, since they will be Getlo’s new roomies. Eco let Hank come with us to Washington, D.C., so that he could help us deliver our message about nuclear disarmingment, and now Eco will have a new friend. I have heard that some cats like dogs, but I don’t know if Eco is this kind of cat. I hope so.

Speaking of nuclear disarmingment, I hope that you are all thinking hard about what we said because we are very enthusiastic about saving Earth, if we can. Of course, mostly saving Earth is up to you, not only because of the atomic weapons but because what you are doing to your climate is a total bummer. (I am not supposed to have an opinion about that, but I do.)

Let me tell you about some of my favorite things on Earth. Car washes I like, especially the part where the brushes go around and clean the windows. Also television. Sci-fi theater is my favorite because the movies are so funny. I like wristwatches, and Facebook, and drive-thrus, especially the part where you lean out the window and talk to the sign. I love my Hoya sweats, and playing basketball. I love the time of day when your planet’s rotation makes the sun disappear and also when it reappears—that is very beautiful. I am into IHOP, which has killer pancakes, but I had better not get started on my favorite Earth foods and leave that for another time. I love the NCAA basketball playoffs and the Lincoln Memorial. And dogs. I especially love dogs.

I will have to sign off now. Larry wants me to do some calculations because we are nearing the planet you call Saturn. This is a very beautiful planet because of its circles, which look kind of like the circles of light that angels wear on Earth. But Saturn has many moons, and we do not want to bump into any of them. You do not need to be jealous of Saturn’s moons, though, even though you only have one. When you only have one moon, that moon is very, very special. At least, that is what I think.

Later, Gators,

Elvis